Hope

Things havn't been too too bad. I'm finally starting to think that maybe there is hope after all. I have only one more day of no phone or computer. So that's good. Things with fr3shboy have been just amazing<3
I met this new guy though. I mean I was just on this chat site and he had a cool name so I talked to him then we added each other on msn and we started talking more and he's actually pretty cool. Sad part he lives in Canada not only that but he's 19! Dude he's so nice though. Lmao I mean I don't know he's just pretty cool. Anywho, I've been clean for a week now. So that's good. Hmm I don't think I really want to talk to My step mom anymore. I mean I told my thereapist I don't want a relationship with her anymore. I just don't like her anymore, she's just not easy to talk to. She's too pushy. and Annoying. I have to admit that. I guess she can be like my stepdad and I don't need to have much contact with her just minimal conversation as posible either way I won't see her again until halloween. So I'm pretty happy.
I got two new dogs that we rescued from the Humane Society their soo cute. I love them so much. Their names are Buttercup and Annie. Buttercup is a chihuaha and Annie is a Chihuaha Terrior Mix. I'm  actually pretty happy cause Annie is really attached to me.
Well I guess that's all I really have to say. Oh the butt face Nick dumped me. Which is good cause I was ganna dump him anyways. What a douche.

Old habits coming back.

Thursday night I went outside telling my mom I was going on for a walk. I ended up going over to my friends house and we sat outside. She then called our other friend and we ended up smoking. Except this time it wasn't just cigs. We smoked mary j. It wasn't like amazing. I wasn't totally blazed. But I was pretty blazed. I ended up calling my ex gf and then my ex bf. Not a good idea when your blazed. Jus sayin. Anywho I ended up telling my dad on friday night since I jus couldn't keep it in since I jus felt that bad. Then saturday I wasn't feeling good I was just pissy and stuff. This morning I just exploded when my dad's gf decided to yell at me telling me I treat her like shit. Like excuse me. She would just not leave me alone. Somtimes I wonder what her problem is. Like when someone does not want to talk then you should leave them alone. She just doesn't know when to stop. Well I got my phone grounded for another week. Thanks alot dad. My mom is probably going to yell at me like no other when I go to her house. Isn't this just going to be Fantastic!!! Oh joy!!
Well on a happier note. I am officially in love with music. Esspecially Papa Roach and Rise Against but don't forget about Escape The Fate.
I made a MyYearbook. It's alright I only made it cause my friend Bre has one and I thought What the Hell I might as well. It's actually not that bad cause I can meet poeple! Hahaha. Well who knows! Anyways I guess I might as well get off the computer before my dad starts yelling at me. I think fr3shboy is like mad at me cause he won't really talk to me much. But who cares if he can't even give me the light of day why should I even think about him? Exactly.

Proposal.

I look up at the moon
watching it glisten
waiting for you.

I hear footsteps in the distance
As I turn to look at you
A grin spreads across your face
and I can't help but smile

My face turns bright red
As you pull roses from behind your back.
You smile sheepishly and whisper "for you"
I kiss your cheek and hold the flowers close to my chest.

You take my hand
and we walk together
hand in hand,
threw the garden.

We stop at the bridge
and face at the water in silence.
you pull a small box from your coat pocket.
A tear escapes my eye as you say the magic words.

I wrap my arms around you
pulling you close.
We walk around hand in hand
and stop by an old willow tree.

On last kiss to make this night unforgetable<3 :]

Hurt.

Last night was hell. If it wasn't for my friend being outside when my mother kicked me out of the house I would have cried my eyes out the whole night. It's not even funny how much pain I was in. Not really physical more like Emotional. I legit just felt soo alone. Like no one can see how I really feel. Everyone was just blind and or ignoring me. I hate that feeling like no one care's. Anyways. I guess I saw my friend Danielle when I went outside so she saw me crying and I told her what's wrong and so we walked to the park and smoked. Then we walked around for a while and saw our neighbor Robert who smokes too so we asked him if he had anything to smoke. He said he doesn't smoke cig's just weed. So we said even better. We were walking and he was in this dude's care and he was like Hey! Wanna smoke a blunt with us? So we said sure and we'd meet him up at the greenville by our house. He totally ditched so Danielle and I got pissed and we jus went back to her house and got some smokes and walked back to the park to smoke. Then we walked around again just talking. Sad to know that my old friend and neighbor Victoria turned out to be a whore. Anyways that was my Tuesday night. Funny how I'm like in love with fr3shboy and he just doesn't realize it..<3

It's been a while.

So I guess I havn't written in a long time but being bored in the library leaves you with nothing much to do. Well I feel like writing in spanish today well partially in english. Well I guess just alot has been going on. Lots of drama. Essepcially drama. I'm still in love with my ex Fr3shboy as I'm going to go on calling him. Yet there's English girl, Go die boy, Fr3shboy twin, Sweet but dumb boy, Hahahaa I didn't want to say their names. Just in case! But yeahh.
I guess there was also Nick. I will say his name only because I don't care so much for him anymore. He's just rude and hurts me. 
Point is It's been a long time. Alot has happened. Mostly bad stuff. New Phycatrist and more meds! Oh fucking joy! I've been listening to so much more music lately. I'm in love with Rise Against. As well as Escape The Fate. Okay so Now I'm going to write in spanish. Even though I'm better at speaking it than typing.
Aveces me kedo pensando k uvera pasado si pude besar te? Muchas veces me gustaria porer esar ayi para abrasar te cuando lo necesitas. Ya no se como decir te k te amo sin parecer mensa. 
I wish there was an easier way for me to express myself without making myself seem weak. I hate life somtimes but It's not like I can say it to poeple. Without seeming stupid.

Life.

Life.

What is it? 

What's the point in it?

Why do we live it?

Why do we try?

So far Life hasn't been that bad.I broke up with Lauren again.And I got my heart broken by Matty. It sucked.We're kind of okay now. Bassically he said we should just be friends. Not the close friends we were but friends that don't call each other babe or baby or say we love each other. I was so heartbroken I was saying over and oer again I was like Please Matty please don't do this. Then he started saying how he didn't want to hurt me anymore. But he doesn't get it I find him worth it. I love him enough where I forgive him like every time he hurts me. He's the first guy to show me what Love is. I swear he's the only guy I've fallin in love with. Like really fallen in love. I mean there was Zack that I could have swore I was in love with but in the end he was just a crush. Plus he was two timing me so it doesn't really matter.But for some reason I kind of still miss him.... He was so nice to me.... I just wish things didn't end the way they did between me and him. But anyways back to the topic Matty.. Life. Him ... Love... So much to life. I just don't know what to do somtimes. I just want to be with Matty. Only Matty... Cause he's the only guy I love. I still Love Lauren but I can't be with her cause my Love for Matty is too strong.I love my Stepmom. She's so cool. I know that was random. But she's right next to me watching T.V... Anyways I'm gonna go. I love Matty<3

I don't know what to do anymore

Should I stay with you?
I'm not faithfull though...
Do you love me anyways?
You really are too good for me.
I wonder what you think....

Well I've managed to ask her out again after we broke up she said sure why not.I don't know what to do! I love her and I love him... I love them both but I love her too much to hurt her. I'm not really in the mood to write but anyways I'll post somthing later as if anyone reads this.

I've been thinking...

I've been thinking...

You and me?

Yeah you!

We should be us ;)

So maybe it's crazy

But I'm pretty crazy myself ;)

Hahaha I jus made that up! Bad I know but Still... ANYWAYS I think I should be able to go out with Matty but that's just me I mean cmon I totally wanted him first and then his gf took him which totally sucked ass! I mean awwww Cmon! Anyways I love this boy sooo much!! He's so special to me. My mom actually hugged me today. Oooo  I want a brownie now. Lol Anywho I wrote some more poems which I shall post soon not like anyone reads this anyways :P

Us?

Us
we used to be us
you and me
no longer are we us
no longer are we you and me
now we are separete


Yeah we broke up yesterday. It's kind of whatever in a way... I can't help it. I had to be honest with her I had to to admit I love someone else but I love her too. I didn't want to break up with her cause I loved her too much but then again I love Matty ... So in the end we decided it's best for us to break up. To go our seperate ways. Lol well what pissed me off is she said I was just using her. She was just a game. When she wasn't she was everything to me. It's just I ended up falling back in love with Matty. I couldn't help it.. He never stopped loving me even after he got his gf. So why should I have stopped loving him? I know it's wrong and everything but we can't help it... It's like we were the ones who were supposed to be going out not him and his gf. Oh well I don't mind as long as he still loves me... Last night was amazing talking to him :) Somthing I will never ever forget. :)

Love Symphony

We were both Musicians

Falling in and out of Love

Our love like a symphony

Exept we called the shots

No composer Nor director

For we controlled our Love

No books nor music

for we played it by ear

All our passion and Love 

going into the Rhythm

Making our beautifull Symphony

Him

I love him

I want him

I need him

I wonder if

He loves me

If he wants me

If he needs me

Well it's not really much of a poem it's just somthing quick I made up like just now. Anyways It's about Matty. I love him.. Alot and he doesn't even realize it. Well he knows I love him but I'm not sure he knows just how much I love him. He's so amazing. He's always always listened to me. And been there. I could be on the phone crying my eyes out and he's on the other side just saying its okay and he's there. He's amazingly funny and always telling jokes but he's never mean. He's so deep and not shallow like the boys at school. He loves poetry and the poems I make. He's even wrote a few poems for me about how I saved him from the darkness blah blah blah. He's just... amazing and sweet and he's always calling me beautiful. But he's not mine... He's hers. Her she stole him from me. I loved him and then when I turned my back for a moment she took him. Now it's gonna be a long time before I get him back. But I have someone... Lauren. She's amazing and sweet but she's not him... I would never break up with her just because I don't want to break her heart. We both have someone.. He still likes me.. But not enough to break up with Aleshia.. Even when he did he didn't do it. Doesn't matter cause by the time I'm 16 he'll be mine :) Hopefully if we still stay in touch... Oh man this boy is so amazing and yes he's like a dream come true but hopefully it's not just a dream...

Love Struck

The night is Beautifull and I sit here alone

Watching the stars glistening

I sit patiently waiting for you.

I start to walk, when I feel a hand with its fingers

entwined with mine.

I turn to look at you and

I stare into your eyes getting lost in their beauty. 

You pull me in close and my heart skips a beat.

A kiss...

That was all it took for you to get me under your spell

I was Lovestruck

Dreaming of You :))

We strolled threw the streets of Paris
  Hands entwined and never apart.
Smiling Happily like young couples in love

We strolled threw the gardens,
 Then kissed in the moonlight, 
And hugged with the bright lights.

You held me close as we danced,
        Under the starts,
and threw the allyways.

Our love was like a symphony,
      Controlled by Musicians,
And we were the Musicians.